Last edited by SexKitten; 23rd June at I am a recovering addict of 8. My drug of choice was a prescription painkiller or seven. I have been in the wonderful fellowship of N. You said he went to some meetings then stopped. That's just almost as positive as going on a diet then eating some fudge cake. An addict who is truly in recovery is much more than a user who has gone dry.
Recovery - as opposed to just "not using" is a process in which a person will change their life. Now, recoery doesn't make you a grand wonderful Mother-Theresa-esque saint; but it does help you to reach toward whatever potential you do possess - if you choose to. That's the kicker - the program doesn't fix you, you have to do all the repair work yourself. The program merely guides you to the tools.
Now then, last thought, you - Mom - should tread very carefully here. Yes, you most definitely do not want this person in your home - especially if you have anything of value within easy reach. Addicts will steal your stuff then help you look for it - if they're not working the program. Lovingly state your health concerns about hepatitis and his state of sobriety or not and let it go. The more you push, the more she'll push back. If you want to pm me, feel free.
Thanks to all of you for your insight! You asked, "why does he call you names? Here is a quote he put on his public blog about me. Yeah, you ever feel like your life has no point? Well, welcome to my world if you have. I'm such a freak and I'm planning on being a therapist. I'm either way off or right on. Girlfriend's mom wants to brake-up my relationship. I want her to get a life. I've got my head on straighter than she does and that's not saying a whole lot. If she doesn't approve of me she can be humane about it and discuss it with me instead of being seedy.
I'm pissing off my girlfriend if she reads this, but I have to release some of this tension before I snap. I know this is a bummer to read, so I apologize, so here's a joke: So there's this guy whose got a drinking problem and a bar tender suggests he go to AA. He stays sober for two days, then he goes home and his dog bites him. I'm broke, tired, pessimistic, hopeless and dissapointed. This give you a little insite into his head.
I imagine it must be one of the worst things in the world to watch you child make these decisions. Mine are not yet dating - my oldest will be 15 shortly - so I'd be talking out of my butt if I told you I knew what you were going through. I would suggest that you do your level best to detach from this situation. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do that won't cause the exact opposite end result you believe to be correct. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he alienates your daughter in a speedy fashion and she can move onto better things. Oh, and before I forget, don't lend money!
Maybe you can enroll in a therapy program yourself My brother ran into some problems last year and while we couldn't get the truth out of him at the time, Mum went and did a course for parents of addicts. It helped us to understand his motivations and behaviors and gave her an insight into the physiological effects the gear was having on him. It also taught her how to spot the signs of use etc. It was a great help to her and I to hear the advice from experts, and it also taught us how to be strong and to not give in to him.
His father also attended a similar course at a local church.
This lad may well be reformed, but you should talk with someone that knows specifically about recovery and they may also help you relate better to your daughter. There is quite a lot of help out there - once you look for it. Good luck with it all - I hope this time passes soon. I thought she was saying it like that because she thought at one time they were recovering, only to have them slip back. Scarly, can you offer any advice to the OP? I'm interested in your take on this. My brother was a heroin addict for 3 years. He kicked it by going into a program.
They do have rules about relationships after 1 year of leaving. You have to understand that people do change. I know there is always going to be that doubt in the back of your mind that maybe he might get her to do it. Or might relapse while with her an do something drastic. First, If your daughter is as smart as you say she is then you should have more trust in her.
He thought I was leaving him and put a gun to my head. I got lucky, it jammed and the neighbors called the police when I screamed. He called me the next day from jail, utterly confused. He didn't remember any of it. He hadn't slept in several days and went into psychosis.
You're in a tough spot. Your daughter is an adult, and you can't control who she sees and what she does. You can ban the boyfriend from your house and it's good that you did IMO and you can forbid drugs from your home, but you need to have a plan of action if she does bring drugs into your home. Every addict has different places they stash their drugs, but if you do search for them, places like behind picture frames, inside tubes of ChapStick or inside mint or pill containers, inside the tongues of shoes, inside curtain rods, taped to the bottom of or behind drawers, inside deep coat pockets, inside musical instruments, and inside CD or DVD cases are popular spots, as well as less creative places like under the mattress or bed.
Taking them won't stop her from using if she's determined to, though it may make it less convenient, but I understand just wanting it out of your house. You'll need to decide how hard of a line you want to take here. Will you be searching for drugs regularly? Will you be drug testing her? What happens if she comes home high, fails a drug test, or stashes drugs in your house? Will you kick her out? Or will you just wait and see how it goes?
I don't know that there's any one right answer, but making threats and not following through won't do her any favors, so I recommend sticking to whatever you do decide to do. You may also want to check out an Al-Anon meeting or two, especially if you suspect your daughter is also using. It's likely premature to do the whole 12 step thing they offer, but they will have some great support and information about addiction in general and how not to let it dictate your whole life.
Don't feel guilty about kicking him out. Offering an addict a free place to stay and do drugs does nothing but harm both you and him. Addicts do not seek help if they don't have reason to. No addict has ever "just stopped" when some change happens, and no one decides to go through amphetamine withdrawal which leaves you more exhausted, achy, and depressed than you've ever felt in your whole life when they start a new job and have to be perky and more active.
You're not giving up on him, you're refusing to be a part of harming him by helping him use, and you're protecting your family from someone under the influence of a drug that makes them unstable, irritable, and sometimes even violent. He could be an absolute saint while sober, but when he's on meth, that's not him.
As a person who has been friends with addicts over the years, thank you for not vilifying them and writing from an honest and personal place. I don't get the feeling she'll be staying at home much. After she got off work last night she went to where ever he was, and she wont likely be home tonight either. We found out today that she has a warrant for an unpaid speeding ticket. Somethings she's known about for months and we've been after her to get it taken care of.
Her license is suspended and has been dependent on us for a ride to work. Today that meant my wife had to pick her up from the place they stayed last night. We don't want her to lose her job, so we don't really want to pull our support completely. She already blames us for everything anyway. She's taken the position that she's right and we're wrong. It's been that way for some time. At some point in her teenage years she just stopped wanting to listen to us.
She'll never admit when we're right, when she clearly know we are.
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She can be really hurtful with this sometimes, essentially implying that we're too stupid to understand anything. I'm hoping to convince her to go to counselling as well as attending some AA type meetings. As I type this, my wife is in her room cleaning. The plan is to get rid of any drugs and paraphernalia that we find.
So far not much has turned up. She's had bongs and hookahs for a while. We knew she smoked pot from time to time, and we didn't make a big deal about it. We made it clear she couldn't smoke in the house but before the Creep showed up, I don't think she smoked that much at all. Thanks for the word of encouragement. This thread has given me a lot of confidence going forward. You need to look out for the safety and well being of your kids first, not this deadbeat. What fantasy land is your daughter living in?
There isn't a legitimate job open to 20 year olds that doesn't require a drug test. The dude had no interest in finding a job. Is this really the case in the US? Not trolling, genuinely curious. Here you might need a drug test to like, join the police or something.
Any other regular job I've never heard of drug tests being common. Even if you're planning to work retail part time most stores require a drug test. Banks especially, call centers, insurance companies, fast food depending on the company they require it before you start. And some places can have random drug tests durring your employment.
Even white collar jobs will make you sign a form authorizing them to perform drug tests, even if they never do. I'm an engineer and I had to sign such a form. It is very standard procedure here in the US to drug test and background check a job applicant. Of course, there are going to be some places here and there that wouldn't require a drug test, but any hospital, bank, pharmacy, chain retailers and chain food service jobs would require you to pass a urine screen or hair analysis for drugs.
I once worked at a place where we performed drug screens for companies. In Canada, I can only think of a Drug test for Police or Military, Sports related professionals, and maaaaaaybe teachers? Although I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's a workman's compensation insurance thing. They drug test you before you start, and again if you're involved in any sort of accident at work. My cousin has a job in the oil industry and they require a HAIR sample every three months.
He's bald, so four times a year they shave off a patch of arm hair. I also work for a oil company, hair and urine test when I started and random urine for the duration of my career. Every single job I've held, working for fortune companies where I currently work , working for a grocery store, working for a retail store, working as a lifeguard etc etc I got tested. Now I will agree that not every company makes you drug test but most companies do.
I'm fine with it really, I don't do drugs and therefore don't have any nervousness surrounding them. Actually I recall that student jobs I held while in college didn't drug test and I knew a bunch of people that used drugs and worked. It was really unfortunate actually. These people would handle your food, your computers, fix your computers etc. No that's not true. There are plenty of jobs that don't drug test. A lot of places do though.
Most of the retail and labor jobs do. Most food service don't. And a lot of small companies don't. It has to do with agency law. An employee is considered an agent of his employer, so if the employee does something wrong, the employer is the one that get sued, and they will lose. Drug addicts steal form their workplaces, everyone knows that, but if they were given access to a customers information, and stole form the customer, the employer would have to pay for it.
An employee gets hurt at work there is insurance that takes care of them, and will pay for pain pills. But, the cost ultimately comes from the employer from higher rates. IMHO, this is the primary reason why there is such pushback on the idea of drug testing welfare recipients. If someone's a druggie it is in everybody's best interests to give them welfare and a trailer in the stix, it keeps them out of trying to interact with the rest of society at a far cheaper price tag than putting them in prison.
Not only what you wrote, but this line is as old as the hills. It's the age old lie of promising to change at some vague point in the future. Couch this in the terms of "helping him" and have her come down with you to some kind of drug centre or AlAnon equivalent to talk with a counsellor about what family can do to support addicts. Tell your daughter that "we want to understand this" etc etc, and make sure plenty of the anti-meth information gets in front of her face.
I think when she starts to realise the grim, hopeless misery of this, some distance will grow. Hopefully she will also be less likely to try it. By all means kick him out of your house, but frame that as a "temporary" thing until he is "stable and clean" which he never will be, so you're good. Basically don't do anything to make her panic and pick him over you. Because right now she's about to do that, and you will lose her, possibly for years, possibly permanently. I love this reply. You're helping him but in your way.
Going to AlAnon meetings is something you can do when confronted by someone who "clearly" wants to quit but needs support. Build an overwhelming level of support to show her just what is required to live through this. She might still be upset but if you ask her, "what else can we do? And there's nothing better than that. If she's a relatively good kid with a good head on her shoulders she'll never be able to say to you, "Helping him means letting him do drugs and live here rent free.
Hate to be that guy buuuuut, if hes an addict and they've been dating for months, shes probably already done it with him. I unknowingly dated a druggie, fairly hard druggie too. I was adamant on not trying it. But I also recognize this is extremely unlikely. I'm going to try to get her in to some counselling. Frankly something we should have done years ago.
I have a good friend that's heavily involved with AA and I'm going to be talking to him about what to do, and possibly attend some meetings if I can get her to go. Far out, sorry; what a messy situation. Glad you got him out of the house before anything big happened. Usually staged "interventions" are not very well thought of, but you might have a unique set of circumstances where it could be a help.
She's young, she's probably not been using much, she had all her emotional eggs in one basket with this idiot guy -- a bunch of peers who care making a show that makes clear that this all has been a Big Deal might be just the thing. You had to kick him out. You can't have him in your home, especially when you have other kids. My parents allowed my sister's boyfriend to live with us even though he made me incredibly uncomfortable. He was doing drugs, was terrible to me and threatened me with physical violence once I dared him to hit me because it would be the last thing he ever did and he backed down fast.
I knew I couldn't stay there and my boyfriend and I moved in together shortly after this I was in college and we had been dating for four years. I never forgot that my parents let him walk all over them, that he could use the car to go out over me going to work I had a clean driving record. I felt very betrayed. If your other daughter felt uncomfortable you have to take steps to protect her because she is your child and she is stuck there. This kid Is not your responsibility. Your daughter pulled a fast one on you knowing this kid had nowhere else to go. She is in the wrong and she is twisting things around to seem like the victim.
He wouldn't quit his drugs if he got a job Or at least that is incredibly unlikely. I think it is time to sit her down and establish some boundaries. She can't choose who she dates, but you can choose who is allowed in your home. I wouldn't allow him over at all anymore. Also, I would be careful about giving her money because she is likely to be helping him support his habit.
If she needs something then buy it directly for her. Make it clear that you love her, but that you can't support this decision. She is an adult and that means you can't control what she does with her time or who she sees. But as an adult she has to deal with the real world consequences of her actions. The truth is you can't change her mind, but you support her without agreeing with her choices. She is going to be mad. She will try to manipulate you. Hate to say but you're on the right track.
He is not your responsibility and if you let him all he'll do is use you a place to stay. Like EBofEB said get your daughter away from him for a while. The guy is a loser and the sooner she realizes it the better. Hopefully she hasn't got sucked into that world because it is damn hard to get away from. I know she's your daughter but if she is using you have to give her an ultimatum, offer her help and if she doesn't take it she has to go and you can't provide her with money or a place to live or any sort of help as long as she's using.
If you are serious about getting him away from your daughter you could call the cops. Find out if he has drugs on him and get him busted. Some might disagree with me but I came from that life. I used for 6 years and finally got in trouble. That's what it took to get clean and it was life changing for me. I've now been clean for 8 years. I will tell you I was your daughters age when I got addicted to meth and it is a horrible, hard road. I hope you caught it before she has either used, or at least hasn't become addicted.
First off you need to keep her far far far away from that guy. Second please find someone or something or someway to make sure she knows how horrible meth is for you and the horrible things it does to you, I don't even mean physically, but emotionally, psychologically, basically do it enough and it makes you fucking crazy. As you can see with her boyfriend making crazy paranoid accusations about her hacking into his stuff. Anyway just seriously do whatever you can to make sure she's not still using and doesn't want to. Get her friends involved, her sister, everyone you can.
I went to prison over meth and I don't want that to happen to your daughter. If he is busted and they find drugs in your house, they can seize the house.
My Daughter Dated a Heroin Addict * Lessons Learned
That's right, they'll just take it. You're shit out of a house. This link is typical of that:. I would tear apart that room.
I would take everything out of it and out it back piece by piece. If I found any meth, I would kick my daughter out. If you guys are the only "bad guys" here, she will run off with him and inevitably become addicted herself. At 20, her friends' opinions are still very, very important. I would zip my mouth and stop saying anything negative about the boy. I'd say, it's not Bob, he's fine, it's the drugs. We could lose everything and my job is to protect my family.